Good Ideas for Bad Guys

Does anybody else remember the Safety Kids?! We used to listen to it when we were kids. Every once in a while I will still catch myself singing, "Sometimes you just gotta yell and scream/Sometimes it's the only thing to do/Noisy as a firetruck/You just gotta open up/And get the crowd's attention turned to you!"

My parents gave us a night at their timeshare condo, so that's where we all were on Friday night when I happened to catch the first few seconds of the news. They were telling about an upcoming story of a child predator that had been roaming around "Davis County" that day, trying to get little boys into his car. So of course I had to watch it, and of course it ended up being centered in Kaysville and Fruit Heights. Pretty scary, since my boys regularly traipse through our neighborhood to various friends' houses. The younger two are always supposed to have someone else with them, but it's still not a comfortable thought to think about the other little boys in our area who had been approached that day by the man in his van. So we had The Talk with our kids yet again on Friday night (no, not that Talk, the other one). This talk is repeated with regularity around our house, usually whenever something like this happens, or just spontaneously while driving in the car or while we're all hanging around at home.

We began with The Talk in earnest when Ben was around 4 or 5. At the time, he was completely enamoured with "teenagers." My brother and sister were both still teenagers, as was my cousin who babysat for us frequently. To Ben, teenagers were totally cool, and they got to do tons of cool things, and he just adored everything "teenager." Well one day, we had reports of a man trying to lure some kids into his truck just a few blocks from our house in Clearfield. Later that day, he apparently succeeded in Syracuse, grabbing a little girl (I seem to remember she was about 8 or 10) as she was walking home with her brother. But here's the thing: she escaped! She began an all-out assault on her kidnapper as he drove away. She screamed and screamed and wouldn't stop, while pulling his hair and scratching his face relentlessly from the backseat. Apparently, he decided she wasn't worth all the trouble, and he simply dumped her on the side of the road and drove away! And later that day he was caught and arrested by police. I remembered I had heard the same thing on Oprah when she talked about women's self defense. They said that an assailant will try to find someone who looks like they will go quietly, who is timid and shy looking, and if you put up a fuss they will generally just walk away because they don't want the attention drawn to them.

So our master plan of making our kids "not worth all the trouble" they're causing was put into action the next day. It started with the mugshot in the paper. The man who had tried to kidnap that little girl was actually fairly young, maybe early twenties, and looked even younger. Almost like a teenager. So I showed Ben his picture in the newspaper and lead him along with questions like "Doesn't he look like a cool teenager?" "Doesn't he look nice?" And then I gave Ben a simplified account of why he was in the newspaper, and explained to him that even if someone looks cool or nice, they may not be, and continued to explain about bad guys not always looking bad. We also talked about not getting in strangers'cars and running away from those situations. I told him if he was ever lost while we were out, he should find someone who worked in the store, or a mom with kids, and they would help him. We try to cover many different scenarios by posing questions: "What would you do if this happens?" "What should you do in this situation?"

And then came the "fun" part. I really wanted to make sure that he was not worth the trouble for a predator. So I told him the 3 main things he should do if someone tried to grab him: Scream, Fight, and Run. Now here is the crucial part: the elaboration. I have seen the 20/20 specials where parents leave their kids alone in a park for a few minutes so that they can be secretly filmed to see what they will do when a stranger approaches asking for help to find a lost puppy. Every time, the parents were adament that their kids knew what to do and would never accompany the stranger, and every time the kid fell for the thought of a poor lost puppy dog and followed the strange adult away. I am sure that one major component that these kids were missing was practice. So we spend time elaborating on the 3 things to do (scream, fight, run), coming up with ideas and practicing. It seems to me, in the heat and panic of that moment, not many people, child or adult, will have much brain space available for calmly deciding what to do. But if we give our kids ideas in calm times, with repetition, then if the time ever comes when they need those ideas, they will already be there in their minds and will come forth quickly for execution.

Scream: Like the words of the Safety Kids song, the goal here is to be as noisy as a fire truck and get attention turned to you. So I tell my kids the key is to scream and scream and not stop. Scream in his ears, try to deafen him. We give them ideas of what to scream, like "Help!" or "I don't know you!" or just plain "AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" That way they don't have to come up with the words on their own in their panic, you have already given them the words when they are calm and ready to learn and remember, and they can practice. Encourage your kids to think of some ideas themselves. Let them demonstrate their loudest scream. This practice and dialogue actually makes it a little less scary, and more empowering.

Fight: This is the part that the kids always like. At least boys do. Throughout this process, give them lots of ideas and repeat things many times in slightly different ways. This helps it to stick in their minds. We help our kids come up with specific ideas, and we are not merciful to this imaginary bad guy. Try to think of things that play on kids' strengths. There's no way they will be stronger than a grown man, but they can still hurt him by playing dirty. Some we have come up with in the past include biting (tell them to try to draw blood or remove a finger: societal norms and good manners can run deep. This is no time to do something halfway, it will only make the kidnapper angry. We want to make it hurt enough to make him let your kid go, and your kid needs permission from you to hurt someone that bad), scratching (aim for the eyes if they can, or anywhere on the face is good, again trying to draw blood), the groin (anything they can do here, as long as they can do it hard. Kicking is best, but punching, yanking, biting, or twisting will also work). All these things will play on a kid's strengths. Also help them think of things like laying down on a car seat and kicking repeatedly with the heels of the shoes, pulling hair (trying to yank large chunks completely out), even pinching or scratching wildly like a crazy cat will get them somewhere. Let your kids come up with ideas themselves. This is the part my kids like. They will go on and on about "I would do this and this to him and punch and kick and ... etc." I know it sounds kind of violent and counter-intuitive to a mother, but I really think that this is part of the process of letting them know that they have permission to truly hurt another person. Without the feeling that they have this permission to do something that they would normally get in trouble for, they may be hesitant and timid about it, and it could cost them their chance to get away. And remind them that, all the while they are fighting, they should still be screaming and screaming. Don't stop screaming OR fighting until you are free! And finally:

Run: Hopefully this can happen before an ill-intended stranger gets their hands on a kid, but if not, it is the 3rd step. Once the kidnapper gets fed up and lets the kid go, or once they are laying on the ground with a kicked groin or clawed-out eyes, the kid's job is to RUN!!! Tell them to run as fast as they can, towards something, be that back into the store, to the nearest house, toward the road, wherever they can find people. At this point, it doesn't really matter who he or she runs to, pretty much anyone is going to be better than what they just left. So let them know, this time it doesn't have to be an employee or a mother with children. Just this one time, it's ok to run to a car on the road or in the parking lot and find any adult to help them. And tell them, don't stop screaming even now. Scream while you run. Scream and scream and scream. Let your kids help come up with ideas of where they could run, coming up with every scenario you can think of. This repetition of lots of different ideas will help open your kids' minds so that they can adapt quickly to the situation and figure out what to do, even if you haven't covered that exact situation with them before. And letting them help with the ideas will keep them interested, and this will also help them learn to adapt.

I know this seems like it could be scary for a little kid. You definitely have to make it fairly age-appropriate in the amount of info you give them, and in how you present it. But I start talking about this with my kids when they're about 2. A slight bit of fear - well maybe more like awareness - is appropriate to make your kids safe. My kids have never been scared by these talks. And I feel like we are really helping them be prepared so that hopefully none of this will ever even be needed. Every once in a while we pop the question out of nowhere: "Who can tell me the 3 things to do if a stranger tries to grab you?" I think if they can keep those 3 things in their minds, they will have a very good chance of not ever "being worth it."

A typical sunny summer day going outside to play:

Kids: Mom, can we go out and play?
Me: Sure guys. Have fun!
Kids: Ok, bye!


A typical snowy winter day going outside to play:

Kids: Mom, can we go out and play?
Me: Ugh! (knowing what is about to unfold)
Kids: Please please please please please?!
Me: Alright, go get your stuff on.
Kids: Mom, I can't find my boots! Where are my gloves? Do I have to wear a coat? So-and-so has my hat on and won't give it back! Has anybody seen my other boot?! Mom, will you help me put on my boots and my coat and my gloves and my hat? (Then, after all of these things have been put on...)Wait, Mom, we forgot to put on my snowpants! (And then it all has to come back off.) Where are my boots?!?!etc., etc...

Finally, 10 incredibly aggravating minutes later...

Kids: Bye, Mom!

And 4 minutes later...

(As 3 children walk in the door and all the way through the house looking for me, all taking different paths over hardwood and carpet alike, wearing wet slushy boots, and coats and gloves covered in snow...)
Kids: There's nothing to do out there, and it's too cold!
(As they scatter sopping winter clothing through every room in the house...)
Kids: Now can we have some hot chocolate?

Need I say more?

There are generally two possible reactions you get when you say the words "high school" to any given adult. One is an immediate, passionate response that expresses something similar to: "Ugh, high school was the worst! Oh man, it was terrible. You couldn't pay me to go back and do that again!" Sometimes this continues for quite a while, occasionally with T.M.I. personal examples (usually including graphic descriptions of acne and other physical insecurities) and names and accusations flying (you know, like "So-and-so was such a jerk to me" or "___ was the worst teacher ever! He/she made my life miserable")! This is the response you get from what seems to be the higher percent of people.

The other segment of the population will typically respond with something along the lines of, "Oh, I loved high school! It was awesome. I was in this sport and this club, and I was the president of blank, and I had so much fun!" And here's the confession: I'm one of those folks.

It's true, I really liked high school. It was ONE of the best times of my life. Not THE best, mind you, but that time period is definitely up there in the ranking. I wasn't in a sport, and I certainly wasn't ever the captain or president of anything. But I enjoyed myself.

I think part of the reason is that it was so much better than everything that had come before it. As far back as I can remember, I was definitely a nerd. I got made fun of and rejected quite a bit growing up. I was called names, and people played mean jokes on me. I sat alone at many a lunch table, and pretty much all bus rides. I CERTAINLY was not someone you would want to let go near any type of organized sport where there were others who could be injured by my clutziness. Don't get me wrong, I had some friends, some very good ones at times. I wasn't miserable all the time in school, just most of the time.

But about half-way through 9th grade, things started to change. A lot. I had found two things I really loved - singing and theater - and those things helped me make a lot of friends. And I grew out of that absolutely horrible stage all girls seem to go through around the ages of 13-14 that tends to make them so very unattractive and utterly awkward. In fact, I kinda got hot! By the time I started high school in 10th grade, things were going really good!

Once I was there in high school, things picked up even more. I was lucky enough to fall in with a group of friends who were really big on positive peer pressure. Really good grades and diligent church attendance were what was "in" with this crowd. I continued my involvement in choir and musical theater. As anyone who has been involved in a theater production knows, there's something amazing about the bonds it can forge. It's almost like you have an immediate group of 40 or so close friends to spend all your time with! Life was good, and what's more, life was so much better than it had been in my past, that I never really took it for granted. I knew how good I had it, while I had it.

I was also lucky enough to find my soul mate in high school. He has always made me so, so happy. There were things about finding Eric so young that may not have been "perfect." For one thing, I was young and dumb enough that I didn't think about much else, besides the fact that I wanted to spend every EVERY second possible with him. So I did. And many other things, like my friends and the activities I loved, got seriously put on the back-burner. I made myself a little miserable with that one, but obviously not so miserable that it was worth it to me to take time away from Eric to do those other things! Another not-so-great thing about finding the person I was supposed to be with when was so young is that, well, I was young. Which means I was immature and pretty much stupid. Which means that all those stupid things I did as a kid, my future in-laws got a front row seat to observe them all. That caused some rough times. I'm just lucky they are able to forget all the dumb stuff I did back then (or at least they are able to pretend they've forgotten it!!). But really, I wouldn't have changed the timing, because it was all so much more than worth it to get the amazing eternal partner that I have now!

I guess now, as an adult, I mostly think of high school as a great time because of how carefree it truly was. I know I had bad times, and bad things happened, and I certainly remember plenty of teen angst and drama. But even with all that, I knew it then and I know it now. It was a really good time. Now it tends to be the days when I am fed up with the kids, or I notice how high the stack of bills has gotten, or I see an audition announcement for yet another play I would love to be in but can't. Those are the times when a thought might flit across my mind about how easy everything was back then. I didn't have bills, I didn't have much responsibility or anyone to answer to besides my parents at curfew time. Of course, I also didn't have a place of my own that I loved that would rack up those bills. And I didn't have the sense of responsibility to serve others and the Lord before myself, the having of which has allowed me a closer relationship with my Savior than I have ever had, and a deeper understanding of some truly wonderful things about the universe. And I do have others I have to answer to everyday, and being beholden to 4 of the most amazing guys on earth, and getting to spend my every day with them, is definitely not something I would give up for the freedom.

Ok, so I wouldn't go back and do it again, even for the freedom and the fun. But it was good while it lasted, and high school is definitely not something I look back on with a cringe. Now junior high, THAT is a different story...

Being a Mom of Little Boys 101

What you should expect:



*Wet towels all over the house for the entire summer, wet boots all over the house for the entire winter.



*Bodily noises. Of all kinds, at all times, and in all places. Usually followed by much laughing and congratulations. Actually, make that...



*Just plain noises. For some reason it is physically impossible for any small boy to go more than a few seconds without making some sort of noise, whether it be talking, humming, car sounds, crashing noises, bomb effects, screams of terror as the helpless villagers run away from the evil giant dinosaur (who is making his own dinosaur noises), etc.





*Sitting in pee. You will sit in pee, no matter how well you teach them, no matter how much you nag and punish, no matter how well you micro-inspect the seat before you apply your derriere to it. You will sit in pee.



*Pieces. Pieces. Pieces and pieces and pieces. Of Legos, of Lincoln Logs, of Mr. PotatoHead's body parts. Hot Wheels, Bionicles, more Legos, crayons, the chemistry set, the electrical set, K'Nex, even more Legos, little plastic knights with swords, board game pieces, Duplos, train tracks, unidentifiable pieces you have never laid eyes (or feet) on before. Need I go on?
*Wrestling. All the time. Also, jumping off of things, running and chasing, gymnastics and karate. Even if they don't actually know gymnastics or karate. Which all leads to...



*Broken bones and stitches. Doesn't matter what you do, so you might as well just get used to it and expect it to come along sometime. Or multiple times.
*Public bathroom debacles. Sure, it's great when they're 3 or 4 or even 5. You just cart them along into the women's restroom and nobody thinks another thing of it. But what do you do when you are in the mall and your 9-year-old needs to "go"? He's really too old to be hanging out in the girls' bathroom, but do you really want to send your little kid all alone into a men's room where you can't see him and just kind of stand outside the door not knowing what's going on in there? (Or, he has some sort of personal disaster in there and you have to go in and get him?!) Personally, I stand right in the doorway of the men's room the entire time, so everybody knows I'm not a mom to be messed with, and yell in approximately every 60 seconds "Are you ok? Everything ok? Everything still ok?" My kids know they better answer me quick or I'm charging in there after them!
*But on the flip side, whenever dad is around, you're off the hook! When we went to Disneyland about 2 years ago, I didn't take a child to the bathroom, not once. When someone would say they had to "go," all I had to do was give Eric that little "have fun!" smile and send them all off while I sat down for a little rest!
*Guns. Yup. Better just accept this one too. It doesn't matter if you let your kid play with them or not. He will just make himself one. Ben was only 2 years old when he started building them out of Legos and biting chicken nuggets into pistol shapes. Also, get ready for swords, lightsabers, bow-and-arrow sets, and deadly lasers. Once again, even if you don't buy them, they'll get made. Probably out of all the pieces I mentioned before.


*Uncomfortable questions. Now, I'm not one who thinks kids should be in the dark about the facts of life, or that these types of questions are shameful or bad, or that they shouldn't know the proper anatomical names for things so I make up cutesy words like hoo-hah or pee-pee. But it doesn't matter how comfortable you think you are with these questions, you will start to squirm when your darling son says, "Every time I empty the garbage can in the bathroom, I see these little cardboard tubes. What are they for?" or when you are teaching them about the Ten Commandments and they want an explanation for all the words they don't understand, including "adultery." Now how on earth do you explain to 3 little boys the meaning of "Do not commit adultery?"! It's not as easy as you would think, trust me.
*Lots and lots of inventions. Usually made out of the afore-mentioned "pieces." These inventions are often accompanied by long, incredibly detailed descriptions of their conception, construction, operation and any and all possible uses. Very, very detailed.

*Chivalry, but only if you bother to teach it. You will feel like royalty, with every door opened and every package carried for you for the rest of your life.

*A built-in slave labor force. I personally have adopted the saying, "I didn't raise all these dogs to do my own barking!" I never need to fear hauling in groceries alone or mowing the lawn. And I freely lend my slaves out. The neighbors have a carload of grocery bags to haul in too? Whadya know, I happen to have 6 legs and 6 arms sitting here just waiting to carry those in for you!...
*Staunch defenders, no matter what. When one of the kids starts whining about how bad he hates whatever it is I have cooked for dinner that night (which is pretty often), one of the others immediately will pipe in, "Mom is a great cook. This is really good, Mom, I love it." And you wouldn't believe how often I get told that I'm the best mom in the whole world. Betcha you guys didn't know that, huh? Well now you do!
*More gifts of bouquets than any princess or queen has ever received, whether they are dandelions, or the flowers you just planted in the garden!

The Elephant in the Room

Alright, people, we can't avoid it any longer. It's time we talk about the thing that has been weighing so heavily on all our minds: cell phone hygiene. That's right, I said it, and I'm not ashamed.

My personal journey with cell phone hygiene, or CPH, began about 2 weeks ago. A dear friend had sent us a "summer school" care package full of fun activities and experiments for the kids to do, then we were to report back to her (don't worry T, that report is coming). Unfortunately we didn't do much of any school over the summer. We were too busy doing our play, and going to Lagoon, and camping and hiking, and going to fairs and concerts and the demolition derby, and swimming,and, well...isn't that enough?! But now that we have started school again, we are trying out some of these experiments. The one we started with involved growing things in petri dishes - so scary. We were supposed to do one swabbing of dirty hands, one swabbing of just-washed hands, and one swabbing of somewhere where germs might collect, like a doorknob or lightswitch. Only my kids didn't want to do a doorknob or lightswitch. They wanted to do my phone. I did not want to do my phone. If I didn't have hard evidence, I could go on pretending that there was no way for germs to be on my phone. But when you homeschool, you have to make a lot of sacrifices, not excluding your own peace of mind. So we swabbed my phone. Nine days later:



'Nuff said. I have since rubbed my phone down with hand sanitizer multiple times, and plan to continue doing so on a very regular basis. Also, since my sister so innocently pointed out: "Have you ever thought about how many germs must be on the outside of a hand sanitizer bottle? You only touch it when your hands are really germy..." let's just say, I have since been sanitizing my sanitizer, too!

"Mom, do you wanna hear a scary story?"

That is what Matt asked me this morning. That one sentence launched me into a world of terror I could never have imagined, as one by one each of my children wove for me a home-made tale that will forever haunt me. They went like this:

Matt: "Once upon a time, there was a scary story about Bernie. And he was making his dinner. And he walked to a scary house. And he looked for Indiana Jones. And he looked at a monster. And he looked at a ghost. That was scary."

Josh: "It was a dark and blue night. I was playing video games. Then I heard a knock at the door. I opened it up and there was nothing there. Then I felt a tickle in my throat. I thought I had allergies! So I closed the door. Then I went over and looked out the window. Across the street I saw a phantom and a wizard! Then the door rang again! I opened the door and they had bags and they said trick or treat. So I decided to give them candy. The end."

Ben: "It was a dark and purple night. I was at home doing art. Then I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door, but there was no one there! Then I felt a bite on the back of my neck! I put my hand back to feel it, but it flew away. Then I looked across the street and saw a phantom with crimson eyes. So I slammed the door shut and ran and hid in the basement! Now I'll never open my door at night again unless I have a dragon with me."

I hope that you guys don't have nightmares tonight.

Also, we carved pumpkins last night! Well, actually the kids drew designs on their pumpkins and then went in the other room and played while Eric carved pumpkins. Pay special attention to Matt's pumpkin, in the upper right-hand corner:


Matt calls that pumpkin 'Skoopy Eyes.' (Spooky!)

And here are my adorable gourds:
Happy Halloween!