Being a Mom of Little Boys 101

What you should expect:



*Wet towels all over the house for the entire summer, wet boots all over the house for the entire winter.



*Bodily noises. Of all kinds, at all times, and in all places. Usually followed by much laughing and congratulations. Actually, make that...



*Just plain noises. For some reason it is physically impossible for any small boy to go more than a few seconds without making some sort of noise, whether it be talking, humming, car sounds, crashing noises, bomb effects, screams of terror as the helpless villagers run away from the evil giant dinosaur (who is making his own dinosaur noises), etc.





*Sitting in pee. You will sit in pee, no matter how well you teach them, no matter how much you nag and punish, no matter how well you micro-inspect the seat before you apply your derriere to it. You will sit in pee.



*Pieces. Pieces. Pieces and pieces and pieces. Of Legos, of Lincoln Logs, of Mr. PotatoHead's body parts. Hot Wheels, Bionicles, more Legos, crayons, the chemistry set, the electrical set, K'Nex, even more Legos, little plastic knights with swords, board game pieces, Duplos, train tracks, unidentifiable pieces you have never laid eyes (or feet) on before. Need I go on?
*Wrestling. All the time. Also, jumping off of things, running and chasing, gymnastics and karate. Even if they don't actually know gymnastics or karate. Which all leads to...



*Broken bones and stitches. Doesn't matter what you do, so you might as well just get used to it and expect it to come along sometime. Or multiple times.
*Public bathroom debacles. Sure, it's great when they're 3 or 4 or even 5. You just cart them along into the women's restroom and nobody thinks another thing of it. But what do you do when you are in the mall and your 9-year-old needs to "go"? He's really too old to be hanging out in the girls' bathroom, but do you really want to send your little kid all alone into a men's room where you can't see him and just kind of stand outside the door not knowing what's going on in there? (Or, he has some sort of personal disaster in there and you have to go in and get him?!) Personally, I stand right in the doorway of the men's room the entire time, so everybody knows I'm not a mom to be messed with, and yell in approximately every 60 seconds "Are you ok? Everything ok? Everything still ok?" My kids know they better answer me quick or I'm charging in there after them!
*But on the flip side, whenever dad is around, you're off the hook! When we went to Disneyland about 2 years ago, I didn't take a child to the bathroom, not once. When someone would say they had to "go," all I had to do was give Eric that little "have fun!" smile and send them all off while I sat down for a little rest!
*Guns. Yup. Better just accept this one too. It doesn't matter if you let your kid play with them or not. He will just make himself one. Ben was only 2 years old when he started building them out of Legos and biting chicken nuggets into pistol shapes. Also, get ready for swords, lightsabers, bow-and-arrow sets, and deadly lasers. Once again, even if you don't buy them, they'll get made. Probably out of all the pieces I mentioned before.


*Uncomfortable questions. Now, I'm not one who thinks kids should be in the dark about the facts of life, or that these types of questions are shameful or bad, or that they shouldn't know the proper anatomical names for things so I make up cutesy words like hoo-hah or pee-pee. But it doesn't matter how comfortable you think you are with these questions, you will start to squirm when your darling son says, "Every time I empty the garbage can in the bathroom, I see these little cardboard tubes. What are they for?" or when you are teaching them about the Ten Commandments and they want an explanation for all the words they don't understand, including "adultery." Now how on earth do you explain to 3 little boys the meaning of "Do not commit adultery?"! It's not as easy as you would think, trust me.
*Lots and lots of inventions. Usually made out of the afore-mentioned "pieces." These inventions are often accompanied by long, incredibly detailed descriptions of their conception, construction, operation and any and all possible uses. Very, very detailed.

*Chivalry, but only if you bother to teach it. You will feel like royalty, with every door opened and every package carried for you for the rest of your life.

*A built-in slave labor force. I personally have adopted the saying, "I didn't raise all these dogs to do my own barking!" I never need to fear hauling in groceries alone or mowing the lawn. And I freely lend my slaves out. The neighbors have a carload of grocery bags to haul in too? Whadya know, I happen to have 6 legs and 6 arms sitting here just waiting to carry those in for you!...
*Staunch defenders, no matter what. When one of the kids starts whining about how bad he hates whatever it is I have cooked for dinner that night (which is pretty often), one of the others immediately will pipe in, "Mom is a great cook. This is really good, Mom, I love it." And you wouldn't believe how often I get told that I'm the best mom in the whole world. Betcha you guys didn't know that, huh? Well now you do!
*More gifts of bouquets than any princess or queen has ever received, whether they are dandelions, or the flowers you just planted in the garden!

The Elephant in the Room

Alright, people, we can't avoid it any longer. It's time we talk about the thing that has been weighing so heavily on all our minds: cell phone hygiene. That's right, I said it, and I'm not ashamed.

My personal journey with cell phone hygiene, or CPH, began about 2 weeks ago. A dear friend had sent us a "summer school" care package full of fun activities and experiments for the kids to do, then we were to report back to her (don't worry T, that report is coming). Unfortunately we didn't do much of any school over the summer. We were too busy doing our play, and going to Lagoon, and camping and hiking, and going to fairs and concerts and the demolition derby, and swimming,and, well...isn't that enough?! But now that we have started school again, we are trying out some of these experiments. The one we started with involved growing things in petri dishes - so scary. We were supposed to do one swabbing of dirty hands, one swabbing of just-washed hands, and one swabbing of somewhere where germs might collect, like a doorknob or lightswitch. Only my kids didn't want to do a doorknob or lightswitch. They wanted to do my phone. I did not want to do my phone. If I didn't have hard evidence, I could go on pretending that there was no way for germs to be on my phone. But when you homeschool, you have to make a lot of sacrifices, not excluding your own peace of mind. So we swabbed my phone. Nine days later:



'Nuff said. I have since rubbed my phone down with hand sanitizer multiple times, and plan to continue doing so on a very regular basis. Also, since my sister so innocently pointed out: "Have you ever thought about how many germs must be on the outside of a hand sanitizer bottle? You only touch it when your hands are really germy..." let's just say, I have since been sanitizing my sanitizer, too!